God of Obscurity
You asked me if I believe in God, like a child asking if Santa Claus exists.
At times, believing in a God never really felt like a choice to me. Perhaps I am so scared of some unknown I must cling to some omnipresence. I have found myself disillusioned. I have found myself at the feet of some saint’s statue wondering is this really the world I am meant to bear?
I did not grow up in a religious household in which you go to Sunday school and church. I rarely ever went to church, even on holidays. However my dad occasionally said “you should read the bible and go to church more” whenever I did something he deemed inappropriate at my age. Religion was a place to beg for forgiveness, to be absolved of humanly sin, often intertwined with pleasure. Yet, It wasn’t until I went to a private catholic school I was actually exposed to religious practices. We had occasional masses, religion classes and I ended up part of a liturgical choir.
I always wanted to “do the right thing” as a child and thought that meant putting myself through Sunday school. I got my communion and confirmation at 15 years old. Which made my parents who never stepped into a church very proud. But after that, I never went back to church except to light an occasional candle. When my grandfather passed a few years later I was incessant on having a priest come and do a prayer. He told my mom and I that if he recited the wrong one my grandfather could go to hell since his baptism statist was unknown.
I am angry at the church and feel inclined to argue with God rather than pray. I don’t believe in books that tell us pleasure is sin and love is conditional. The religion I’ve known feels too organized and rigid for me. But I suppose none of this has to do with God themselves.
What of a God? What of some divinity that reckons with the forces of life?
There are a handful of things that have happened in my life that have felt spiritual. I feel my ancestors visit me in people, places and sometimes just a gust of wind is the reminder of love that has passed. I think that miracles are really stitched into our everyday life. The fact that we are cognizant of our condition and can endure this long hill of excitement, pain and all that is intertwined with the erotic human experience. That is a miracle. Or perhaps a curse. You decide.
I must look at life with the good. This is a part of my survival.
All around us universes are birthed and in that same millisecond another dies. Humans need science to digest all of this power and energy. We need words and calculations like we need a God. We have an incessant urge to understand. And I am convinced really everyone has succumbed to some God.
Maybe your God is an unrequited love or even a redwood tree. I recently found out that there are more life forms in a handful of forest soil than there are people on the planet1. That is my God. The infinite vastness of life that is layered all around us.
I spoke to an indigenous elder2 who reminded me that relatives exist all around us. We are all of the same matter. The trees, the land, it is much older and wiser than we are. And we may learn from it if we are able to listen. We should learn to listen.
So to answer your question, really it is such a frivolous thing God. This one thing we are searching for, that we put so much faith in, when we have so much power within ourselves, our communities and networks of life force.
To me, faith is truly about presence. Faith in unknown just calls us to become deeply in touch with the life that is blooming right in front of us. This very precious, very fleeting yet unbounded moment.
For too long you existed this way for me. Obscure and Radical. This thing that exists just outside of my mind forever intangible.
Many thanks to the Association of Ramaytush Ohlone culture director Gregg for a conversation that truly changed my life.
I resonate with what you shared about more life forms in a handful of soil than the amount of humans. This is type of conversation I’ve had a few times now with friends at random hours of the early morning about life and faith…earth is immaculately designed to foster life. It’s perfection and balance is divine…the right distance from the sun, perfect combination of atmospheric gases (this one is changing ofc, anthropologically. yikes!), the perfect size moon for the right gravitational pull, the perfect temp for liquid water…everything about the natural world is miraculous! As far as we know this diversity of life only exists here. And so many amazing life forms that have evolved so much over the span of thousands of years. All of this is so miraculous and beautiful and we live in a time where we understand more about the universe than ever before. This is all so divine to me, I can’t imagine a better spirituality and way of life than to worship the earth. That’s why I’ve always been puzzled by organized religions, which I really just see as vehicles of social control.