Hi Substack

I have so many words wrapped around my neck and I need a place to put it all. I've been writing since I can remember. In journals, restaurant napkins, phone notes, margins of books, anywhere I could scribble really. 

I've never written with much of a goal or intention, most of my writing has always been reflexive and sporadic. Questioning the world I fell into, the dysfunctions in my family, the lies of God, the hand that feeds. 

Writing gave me permission to confront humanness. 

I think that's why I've never thought of myself as a writer. Or as someone whose words mattered very much. I have a hard time believing what I say matters. Sometimes the act of screaming into this void is cathartic, but what have I to offer that is not within all of us already? 

Yet I've decided to give this Substack thing a try because it's not really about that anyways. I am not here to tell you my convictions on faith. I am not here to testify that it will all be okay. I can't promise much. I am inconsistent and full of contradictions. I am still discovering myself- after all, I am on the brink of womanhood. Where everything feels fragile and volatile in the best way.  

I am learning to find comfort in chaos with my words. These words, they do not press out of me with ease. I am sitting with these words and my feelings and the discomfort of it all. 

This life. It is unnerving. And maybe someone can find a home in my words, the way I have through this collective sharing. This collective reflection of both betrayal and adoration for the human experience.

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I want to share with you the stories I tell myself and what I've learned from them. But also the stories I've yet to learn from. The worlds I build to escape from my own- you decide what to do with them. Build your own worlds and maybe I'll find myself there one day. 

I seek to embrace my life, my heart, my soul, my fears and inhibitions in all of its entirety. To show up for myself and cultivate a foundation deeply rooted in compassion. 
I don’t have to try so hard, I just am. I am here, in the existential tundras and brevity of it all, and I am showing up for myself because that is all I know how to do. I am the voice of compassion over all the fear. I am the calm rush of silence after the storm. I am love in all degrees, coming from every direction, with the awareness that it is okay to be far from finished. And I embrace every part of myself that is still waiting to be discovered. Every version of myself I have and will be.

So I welcome you on this pilgrimage. My substack is my own unruly garden. And I am cultivating the world that I believe in. I am here with my heart in my hands asking you to revel in the vastness of life with me.